Shoes To Bleach My Eyes
Welcome to the Worst & Ugliest Men’s Dress Shoes article.
I am going to show you some of the absolute worst shoes I saw during recent times.
Shoes so horrific, there are no words to describe them and yet people keep buying them.
This should be a fun read so strap yourselves in!
Is There Such A Thing As The Worst?
As with most lists out there, there is no such thing as a definitive best or worst list for broad topics.
However, I was browsing the other day and stumbled upon some dress shoes that I could not believe existed.
These are riding modern or older trends and can involve poor execution, predatory customer behavior but usually it’s all about the styling.
Or I should say, lack thereof.
So in this article I will showcase to you some of the worst men’s shoes I saw but also give you some tips and proper alternatives.
One Rule: NO Sneakers & Trainers
This list has only one rule and that is to not talk about pure sneakers and trainers.
Most of them are already god-awful and stupid no matter how comfortable they might be.
In fact, it was a disgusting sneaker I saw during my weekly visit to The Shoe Snob Blog where he displayed one of the worst shoes in history.
This list is about dress shoes, but there might be some dress shoe hybrids with sneaker soles in there.
Just enjoy and hopefully you will get a laugh out of it.
Oh and if you see something disgustingly awful please send me a link in the comments.
1. God Bless America
One of the ugliest men’s dress shoes I ever laid eyes upon is this one.
It was so horrid that it was the cover page for the previous iteration of this article (Read Here).
Back in my small village of birth in rural Greece, those shapes were spatulas used to apply cement and building materials.
What is there to say about the ghastly, horrific hair-on hides on shoes?
The entire shoe looks like a cheap reptile snoot knock-off and I struggle to decide which is the worst part.
To explain the “God Bless America” part, the only connection is that a man from the USA wore these.
2. Crimes Against Shoemanity
There are horrible reptile shoes, but then there are disgusting reptile shoes.
Unfortunately there are so many versions out there, I would require a dedicated article to cover all of them.
Feast your eyes on a few of these then.
It is unbelievable how people think this is ok.
In fact, there are some similar types without the limbs but adding the eyes.
Now you might understand where does the eye bleaching phrase comes from.
3. Leave Reptiles Alone
In the recent article where I talked about alligator and crocodile leather, I taught you what to look for when buying them.
When you use the bony part with fins and scales from the back of the animal, you get some truly disgusting shoes.
I found a particularly bad one (although in low resolution) that takes it a step further with a properly square toe.
How is it possible for someone to make this but even worst, how is it possible for someone to wear it?
There is not a single, redeeming factor in this shoe whatsoever.
Inside me I beg to see something like this and inspect it in real life.
5. Snake Boots (Literally)
I start to notice a trend with all the ridiculous contraptions involving dead animals on the shoes.
It was still hard to believe something like this was real however.
Talk about keeping a covid safe distance from other people.
On the source website linked in the picture, there are some truly shocking shoes.
Then again, some are such blatant poor photoshop that it’s not even funny.
Knowing people and their obsession with ugly things, I would not be shocked if the above is actually real.
6. Yet Another Spatula
Not only it had an outrageous price point of $119 at the time but also some hilarious reviews.
The brand in question is Zota and a quick Google search showed me exactly what I needed to know.
Absolutely senseless, disgusting, mind-blowing, vomit inducing designs that barely qualify as shoes.
Unfortunately, this tasteless trend of square toed shoes is still going strong even in 2023.
7. Glitter Bomb
How can you have a list of ugly shoes and talk about glittery, sparkling shoes.
Wish ensures that for 71 British Pounds you can absolutely look like a blithering idiot.
The best part is that they brand these as wedding shoes.
Imaging showing up at the altar so your significant other can see you in these.
8. Dress Shoe Hybrids
Here we go with the dreaded sneaker-inspired dress shoes.
Shoes that mimic the upper part of dress shoes but use a sneaker style sole for comfort.
It is a hybrid that will never look good and nobody would take you seriously in them.
Yes, they might be comfortable but they try to hard to be something they are not.
The only reason for someone to wear something like this is if they have a legitimate foot condition.
9. Anything Church’s Produces
A ridiculous company I love to bash is Church’s.
Not the lovely, classic and vintage Church’s of old but the disgustingly predatory and fashion-less brand post-Prada acquisition.
A brand that despite being over 80% down in revenue decided to increase their prices overnight by 40-50%.
Not only that, but there is not a single ounce of heritage left in that soulless company.
When they try to be fashion forward and sell you excrements like these for $1000 you know something’s wrong.
Used, distressed, low quality shoes for $960. Let that sink in.
10. Anything Designer Related
On a more serious note, anything that comes out of designer brands should not be a consideration.
With very few tasteful exceptions (such as Polo Ralph Lauren Purple Label or some Yves Saint Laurent) they are overpriced fashion garbage.
Just look at that clown outfit and shoes produced by them.
Be sensible and buy shoes from one of the real heritage makers and support proper craftsmanship.
11. Chocolate gone Wrong
Back in the summer I was “lucky” to witness the birth of a new collection by a man called Aki Choklat.
There was a strong feeling of bondage in there with quite a few spooky elements.
The shoes themselves were incredibly bold and peculiar.
I personally think they are horrific but what shocked me the most was the price point.
I do understand that they cater towards a different crown but it is not you and me.
We are not velociraptors, nor we need raised pointy James Bond Villain Toes.
That’s It, I’m Done
It’s at this point where I said enough is enough.
The amount of imagery I went through to just write this article and keep my sanity is unreal.
The worst part of it is that the list could go on forever and I could easily find over 500 pieces of “footwear” to write about.
We did not even scrape the surface of ugly sneakers, crocs, party shoes, gags and the lot.
Most of them are humorous, but there’s always a dose of truth in every joke.
And brands from both the low and high end are praying on poor customers that don’t have proper judgement or just want to ride trends.
Style is forever, fashion is temporary.
Now if you excuse me as I will be completing my eye bleach before I sleep.
I will see you next week with a more interesting article about Hangers and an emerging London Brand.
Thank you for reading,